Thursday, September 8, 2011

"Before Last Names"

Dear Ophelia,

I am writing...Hang on, before I start this let's just sort this out to avoid all the confusion from last time. So this letter is meant for Ophelia, daughter of Ophelia, daughter of Ophelia, in the house of Lucius. The Lucius with the long hair, not the bald Lucius my last letter apparently went to. I mean the Lucius with the long dark hair, the one who sells olives. And then, within his house, I mean the Ophelia who is twenty years old. I know there are a few Ophelias in there, so I need this to go to the one who is intolerant of lactose. I don't know how else to describe her. She looks a lot like the other Ophelias in there and one time I learned the hard way after fornicating furiously with one of them who was apparently not my Ophelia. So maybe to find the right one you could make all of the Ophelias drink milk and find the one who throws up the most and give her my letter? But I guess at that point she'd probably be in a pretty bad mood. I don't know. She's the Ophelia with a mole on her hand. Someone will figure this out.

Ophelia, my sweet Ophelia... Christ, I'm almost out of ink now. Long story short, I'm pretty sure my horse ate your mother today. I would elaborate but I'm almost out of ink. Is your mother the Ophelia with the reddish-brown hair, or one of the Ophelias with the brownish-red hair? Maybe we could just give her a second name, something like Ophelia Horsefeed, so we can remember she was the one who got eaten by the horse.

-Tiberius, son of Tiberius, son of Gaius, the one with the long index finger. But not the really long index finger, that's a different guy.

No comments: