Wednesday, September 7, 2011

"Am I the Guy?"

Am I the guy you’ve been waiting your whole life for?
Am I the guy you take home to mom and dad?
Am I the guy you brag to your friends about?
-Oh he’s just the greatest; he can eat so many wax candles.

Am I the guy inspiring your diary entries?
-Dear diary, he did it again! He shot an ear of corn out of his nose.
-Dear diary, he made me a birthday card out of skunk skin. Prince Charming!
Am I the guy your friends talk about when you all gorge yourselves on stolen tomatoes?

Am I the guy you think about before bed?
Am I the guy who sends you pictures of hot dogs cut to look like penises?
Am I the guy who talks to your socks?
Am I the guy you wrote that psychology paper about?

Am I the guy you text your friends about?
-Just wanted to say, he smells like rotten seafodd
-I think he might sleep in a dumpster
-Sorry, seafood* in the one from before

Am I the guy who stinks up your apartment?
Am I the guy who clogs your shower with blood clots?
Am I the guy who eats everything in your pantry and sneaks out the back window before you even wake up?
Am I the guy who sugars your gas tank because you told me you like sweets?

Am I the guy you write letters about to your dead grandma’s skeleton?
Am I the guy you lie to your dog about?
Am I the guy who has been eating your dog’s food?
Seriously, all that food is gone and my breath stinks and I have a stomach ache. I've found evidence of all of the above things and I really worried I'm the guy who has been doing them.

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