Monday, August 22, 2011

"The Wife"

There is a myth from Native Americans of the Northwest called “The Man Who Married the Eagle.”

-Hey, man, can you step over here for a second?
-Sure thing. Is there something wrong with my gear?
-No, buddy, it’s not that. Some of the guys have been talking and we don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, but this trip is supposed to be a guy thing. You know, our time to spelunk into some caves and talk guy stuff. Get away from the old balls and chains.
-Oh my god. I… Is this about Brenda? I really didn’t have a clue. I thought I read the tree bark correctly and it didn't specify...
-It's kind of an assumed thing. It’s just, you know, none of us is really in the mood to deal with her saying her talons are chipping or her beak is getting fat or any sort of cloaca menstrual issues.
-No, no, she’s totally low-maintenance. She can preen herself. And she’s totally down with the guy talk, don’t worry about that. She has a dirtier mind than I do sometimes.
-Well that’s great, but there’s a little more to it. There is also sort of this unwritten rule about this trip where we don’t invite gigantic mythical eagles capable of ripping our heads off. So it sounds like Brenda, who looks to be swallowing a buffalo whole right now, is not on the guest list, if you get what I’m saying.
-Do you want me to ask her to leave? I rode here on her back, so one of you would have to take me home.
-SQUUUAAWWWKK!
-What the hell was that? What is she doing?
-SQUUAWK! SQUAAAWK!
-Why are her wings out? Men, prepare the spears!
-Don’t worry! She’s just receiving a telepathic message from her sister eagle gods. What’s that, sweetie? Really? No way.
-Is someone going to die? If one must, please let it be Reg, for he smells of duck.
-No, no. She just heard that Margaret, from over in the Chattahoochee Tribe, has put on some extra pounds. It’s nothing. I’ll go ask Brenda to fly home.
-Wait. Margaret Little Bear is fat? But she was so hot in buffalo hunting school. Does Brenda have any other information like this? Perhaps we could… accommodate her on this trip.
-Brenda is full of juicy gossip and she can also slaughter meaty beasts for us to… Brenda! No! Down! Put him down! Put him down! Bad! I’m so sorry. This is just horrible… He was your brother…
-It’s okay. It was only Reg, and I owed him some money anyway. Allow me to gather some colorful berries to dye our toenails. Brenda! Come here, Brenda and tell us who else has gotten fat!

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