Wednesday, June 22, 2011

"A Good Man Is Hard to Serve"

Oh hot dog am I in some hot water. Six fat men just took my sofa and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I tried to stop the burly meatball men but one of them crumpled up my ad and threw it at my face while another took an anchovy out of his pocket and slapped me with it. My house is hollow now, devoid of furniture and life and I am left to stare at it through my telescope from my pizza parlor, or as I now call it, home. Earlier this morning I said goodbye to my wife and two daughters as I loaded them into trunks and shipped them up north. I am left here in my restaurant, engulfed by posters for my biggest blunder of a promotion yet. $9.99 for a large pie with any two toppings, it says. Was it naive of me to trust the public to choose two food items? Was I wrong to assume Mr. Scott Frampton would desire, say, pepperoni or mushrooms, instead of the makings of this humble restaurateur’s life? I am writing fine print on all of the existing posters to prevent this from happening again. “Toppings exclude homes and families.” Oh look, there’s Susan Montag! One of my most loyal and finest customers. Perhaps cooking a pizza and serving it to a happy customer and friend is just what I need to reverse my spirits. I will continue writing in a minute.

Jesus fucking Christ. People are animals. I don’t have a car or a pair of pants anymore.

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