Friday, June 24, 2011

"Gym Tour"

-Hey, I’m new to the area and I’m wondering if I can get a guest pass or a trial membership before I commit to joining.
-Sure thing! Just fill this out and I’ll be happy to give you a tour of the gym.
-Oh, that’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Looks pretty standard.
-Excuse me?
-I've been to gyms before. The equipment is all basically the same. Thanks, but I don't need a tour.
-No, no. Let me to show you around. As you can see, we have cardio equipment over there.
-Right, and free weights on the other side. I got it.
-And?
-And what?
-What else do we have?
-That's it. Cardio and weights.
-And we have birds over there.
-What?
-Past the weight room we have a large area full of birds. Some are hungry and some are full. We have pelicans and robins and next week we're getting in a shipment of vultures. You may use them to exercise however you like. Would you like me to explain the cardio equipment, Mr. I Don’t Need a Tour?
-I mean…you have treadmills and ellipticals and stair machines. I can figure it out, thanks.
-Right, you got it. That’s all we have. Just some puny machines, the same junk as everywhere else. Oh wait, did I mention we also have a wide variety of endangered bats, each one in its own briefcase?
-I don’t understand. Bats?
-Do you speak sonar?
-No.
-Then of course you don’t understand bats. Now I take it you also don’t need a tour of the weight room because you are the world’s leading expert in weight room design? The Frank Lloyd Wright of pumping iron?
-I never said that.
-Your name is Frank Lloyd Ferrigno, is it now?
-What?
-Well, Mr. Ferrigno, we have a wide selection of dumbbells, benches, squat racks, and isolation machines.
-And what else? Let me guess, there’s a bear behind that wall?
-Sir, this is not the set of Let’s Make a Deal, so please refrain from guessing what is located behind walls.
-There’s nothing weird about the weight room?
-No.
-Oh. Well I’d like to work out now.
-Nothing weird unless you consider a dozen hemophiliac panda bears kept in a pen lined with Gillette Mach 6 razors weird.
-You know what? Thank you for your time, but this just isn't the right fit and I think I’m going to find a place to work out that’s run more like a gym and less like a zoo.
-Oh are you now? Let me tell you right now, man to man, that that is a mistake. Good luck getting your biceps to grow with chin-ups on something that isn't a giraffe's neck.

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