Saturday, May 28, 2011

"I'm Glad I Didn't Die When I Was 12"

Matthew David Burns, 12, passed away Tuesday after choking on two Swiss Cake Rolls while watching video game reviews on G4TV. Mr. Burns attended Webb Bridge Middle School where he received average grades and was often asked by teachers to change seats due to his loud comments about other students’ penises. His teachers remembered him as “seemingly unwashed,” “lewd,” and “generally a dusty guy who left a trail of powdery dandruff between his two favorite haunts, the cafeteria and the restroom.” Matt was a proud member of the GameStop Power Up Rewards club. According to Matt, his biggest accomplishment was a piece of feces he produced in 2002 which “looked like the letter S.” Matt had so much potential to excel at the fast food jobs he was destined for. Due to the unexpected nature of Matt’s death, he did not leave funeral preparations and our only record of his final thoughts is his Internet history, which implies his final days were hedonistic and disturbing. He is being buried in a customized sleeping bag-size Stridex pad, which will hopefully erase some of his grease so his rotting corpse is less appetizing to underground bugs. Funeral services will be held at Holy Innocents’ Episcopal Church on Monday at 2pm. Fumigation and a bacterial cleanse of anything that came into contact with Matt’s filthy carcass will begin at 5pm. Matt is survived by his parents and brother, Rob, who is looking forward to the upstairs smelling better. In lieu of flowers, we ask that you keep Matt’s spirit alive by wasting $15 on used Gamecube games.

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