Thursday, May 5, 2011

"Email Signature"

-Hi, Scott, thanks for coming in.
-It is no problem at all, Bill. What can I do for you?
-Well let’s see here. A few people in the department have commented to me about your email signature. No big complaints, just some concerns.
-What’s wrong with my email signature?
-Let’s take a look. Six months ago your signature was Scott Furman, Director of Automotive Sales, Florence Banner-Herald.
-Right. Pretty stale.
-Two weeks later it became Scott Furman, Director of Automotive Sales and Hot Dog Sling-Shots, Florence Banner-Herald.
-What’s the problem? Hot dog sling-shots are really cool.
-That’s up for interpretation. Two weeks later it became Scott Furman, Occasional Seller of Car Ads But Mostly a Hot Dog Sniper, Florence Banner-Herald.
-Correct.
-There were two separate reports from people who saw you loading up some sort of home-made PVC sniper rifle in the parking lot and using it to shoot hot dogs at passing cars.
-I fail to see what I’ve done wrong here. My signature accurately reflects my interests. I'm branching out. That's helpful as an ad salesman.
-Okay. Next it was Scott Furman, Hot Dog Assassin and Apprentice of the Dark Arts. You left off any reference to your actual sales position or the newspaper and began using your company email account to converse with a Mr. Lucius Zanzibar, a self-proclaimed wizard regarding your “training” and “hot dog wand.”
-We also discuss current events in the wizarding world.
-You are a Hot Dog Assassin?
-I am not at liberty to discuss details, but I may have been hired to take out a head of state with a frankfurter.
-Are you taking any of this seriously?
-Why would I joke about my way of life?
-You are an advertising salesman. Your final and current email signature is the most unsettling of all. Scott Furman, Hot Dog Mercenary/Dark Lord of the Wizarding Arts, Specializing in Turning My Fingers into Hot Dog Bullets.
-Your point is?
-Your signature is scaring off clients. Car dealers don’t want to buy ads from a wizard.
-Then they are our enemies. Would you like me to take them out? I saw a pack of Oscar Meyers in the break room refrigerator.
-Please get out of my office.
-I could cast a spell to turn our enemies into hot dogs.
-Get out of my office.

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