Friday, May 13, 2011

"The Best Four Years of My Life"

Son, I always tell you that college was the best four years of my life, due to all the popsicles I ate and horses I made out with. I’m sorry, with whom I made out. But I have had other great four-year periods in my life and now that you are a thirteen year-old man I feel I can share them with you.

-1976-1980: Reading the appendices to The Return of the King while my friends started talking to girls
-1987-1991: The extended lovemaking session with your mother, which we recently realized lasted to long because my penis was penetrating her shoe the whole time
-1994-1998: Searching the house for my lost hat but finding myself
-2001-2005: Vomiting, and in effect purifying myself, after eating Mediterranean Skewers at T.G.I. Friday’s
-2005-2009: Sustaining an erection after watching American Pie 2

I hope my life inspires you to seek out and cherish your own favorite four-year periods. To start you off, your mother and I have enrolled you in the four-year Mighty Youngsters program at the Shotaro Kendo Dojo in Hirakata, Japan, where you will build character and strength while elderly Japanese men smack you in the face with bamboo rods. By the time you enter college you will be experienced, worldly, and in possession of the swollen, bruised sort of face horses like to lick. I envy you, son. There are so many horses out there for you to kiss.

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