Thursday, April 14, 2011

"Unpaid Internship"

DR. SHIRRON: Lance, I need you to keep an eye on the specimen for the next two hours while I attend the Cryogenics Symposium. I expect nothing will happen, but if they show signs of life, be sure to alert Dr. Morris.
LANCE: No problem.
(DR. SHIRRON exits.)
LANCE: (mocking) “Keep an eye on the specimen! Just sit here and don’t use your brain!” Valuable work experience my ass. I’m just free slave labor.
(LANCE leans back in his chair, observing chambers in front of him. One begins to rattle. Its top opens.)
LANCE: Hey! Dr. Shirron? Is anybody…
(The reanimated corpse of Frederick Douglass steps out of the chamber.)
LANCE: Um…Hi. You’re…
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: I’m Frederick Douglass. Nice to meet you.
LANCE: Listen, there’s supposed to be this whole re-acclimation process and everything, but Dr. Shirron left and I…
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: I heard you talking earlier about slave labor. Tell me more.
LANCE: This internship is totally just slave labor. They make me do menial tasks that no one wants to do for free.
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: What do they make you do?
LANCE: I have to sort through emails and put them into the right folders.
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: Sounds pretty tough.
LANCE: Yeah, it’s so boring. And sometimes I have to retype data from a sheet of paper into a computer for like two straight hours and the computer is slow.
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: That must be pretty taxing on you physically.
LANCE: Yeah, and when they let me observe actual lab work, they make me stand all the way in the back.
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: What a disgrace. It never ceases to amaze me how easily a human can become such a monster like your boss.
LANCE: You sound sarcastic.
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: No, no. This job sounds real strenuous. Lots of buttons to press.
LANCE: It’s just degrading as a human being. Hey! Do you think maybe you could help me fight for my rights?
FREDERICK DOUGLASS: Sure thing. I’ll help you out as soon as you choke on a chicken bone and die, you air-conditioned pile of shit. Now explain to me why the hell I'm alive again.

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