Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"TV Version"

This film has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit your television screen. We assume your television screen is a five inch by twenty inch oval. It has been edited for time and content. Tom Hanks has been removed from the film. The dialogue has been re-recorded by children who tried to sound like mice. The actors’ eyes have been digitally replaced with computer-generated basketballs. Ashley Judd has been removed from the film, although she was not in it to begin with. This film has been edited for height. All buildings over six stories have been digitally shortened. Rights to much of the music in the film were not given for this broadcast, so the soundtrack has been replaced with a guitar solo by Dave Navarro. Subtitles have been added for the deaf and hard of hearing, but they are from a different film. Enjoy the movie, which has been shortened to nine minutes in order to make room for our special two-hour television event Which Celebrity Can Eat the Most Boiled Shrimp?

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