Tuesday, April 19, 2011

"Times Are Tough"

Dear Cream:

I am writing in response to seeing you perform a live striptease and sex show on the HBO series Real Sex, hoping that you are seeking a Summer intern. I was thrilled to see an opportunity to gain experience in the communications and entertainment industry while working in Newark, which is close enough to Manhattan. I am currently a student at the University of Georgia majoring in Mass Media Arts, which is probably what you would have majored in because the way your penis flops up and down is tailor-made for television.

An internship with you would provide experience for me as I look to gain a better understanding of satisfying a live audience. I have been wearing boxer-brief underwear for the past eight months, so I believe a switch to the thong style will not be a major adjustment. I am always up for trying new things, so I am available to do whatever you like, from mopping up the floor after a show to ironing your G-string to icing your testicles, both after a show (with ice) and before (with cake frosting).

I have spent the past three semesters hosting a DJ shift at the college radio station. My live broadcasting skills will give me the confidence to perform with you, perhaps as Cream Jr. or as a sidekick named Half & Half. The longest erection I have ever held was about twenty minutes, and that’s without a rubber band, so with your training I could probably go an hour, a skill that I guess might help me later in life if I need an extra shelf to hang file folders.

I will bring energy, enthusiasm, and experience to this position. I have been masturbating for several years now, although rarely on stage and never in front of bachelorettes. I think this internship might help me towards my goal of working in television because when you're on stage you're sort of a writer, director, and producer all in one. A multi-talented penis-shaker. I'll do anything. Just thrust your gear towards whatever you want me to do. Dignity fell off my list of skills thirty-six applications ago.

There really aren’t many other opportunities out there, so for the love of god throw me a bone. This is the fifty-sixth cover letter I've sent out and the only job left on the list is being a mosquito's assistant and I do not do well with blood.

I dread discussing this position with you in the near future, but for Christ's sake I need to do something this summer. If I don't get something to add to my bare resume soon, I'll wind up dead in three years, having fucked the pickle slicer at the Vlassic factory. Please let me know if you need any additional information once you review my attached resume and humiliating photographs.


Matt Burns

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