Saturday, April 23, 2011

"Pioneers"

My name is Donovan and my colleagues are Montalban and Skidoo. We are all magicians. Three days ago we set out to blaze a trail in the medical world by pioneering a new blood transfusion method in my garage in Pomona, California. While we were not trained as doctors, our backgrounds in the dark arts have given us an insight into the workings of the universe, an insight that made us realize Moutain Dew, with its neon hue and electrolytes, is a perfectly good substitute for human blood. We drew straws and Skidoo wound up on the operating table. Montalban and I set the table at an angle so Skidoo’s head was below his feet. We poked some holes in his neck with a basketball pump and dug a wound big enough for a funnel in a plump vein in his left foot. While his neck drained into some dirty buckets, we poured six two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew into his leg vein and as we watched him turn green we realized that our dead partner was not coming back. We placed an endless handkerchief over his face. There was a pause after the blood finished pouring from his neck, then came a sputter of Dew, which turned into a refreshing torrent of citrusy soda. Montalban and I got on our knees and lapped it up like pleased puppies. This is the new package design we are presenting to you, shareholders of PepsiCo. We call it the Skidoo Bottle, the world’s first beverage container made of the corpse of a deceased magician. Because nothing gives Dew an extra kick like being poured from a master of illusion's corpse. Who doesn't want to Do the Dew Through the Great Skidoo?

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