Thursday, April 7, 2011

"Kleckner's Chicken Soup!"

Our soup cans are BPA-free! That’s right, not a trace of that cancerous BPA. Our soup is also trans fat-free! Not a single gram of that junk is in here, unlike some of the other soups. We’re not pointing fingers or anything. We’re just saying that we’d look a little closer at those labels if we were interested in our hearts working. New! Now our soup is 100% Free of Your Brother’s Ashes. You read that right, folks, our soup contains absolutely zero particles of your dead brother’s dusty ashes. Are we implying that the competition does contain some ashes of your brother? Are we saying that they received some disturbing pleasure from cremating your brother? Not on the record, no. We’re just saying that we tried out some of their clam chowder and it had a distinct flame-roasted taste reminiscent of childhood memories. Our soup also contains no shoes, orange peels, bits of scratch paper from math tests, or bird heads. So if you’re looking for rotten or diseased bird heads, Progresso is over there. Our soup is also lead free! This soup does contain 66 grams of MSG and an ounce of goat bile, a thickener.

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