Wednesday, April 20, 2011

"Group Project"

I sat around wearing nothing but my lizard-skin hat and cowboy-skin boots writing erotic poems about Orville Redenbacher until there was a knock at my door and Emily was standing there and she said, “It took me a while to find your house,” and I said, “It took me a while to find this mouse,” and showed her the rotten fat mouse tucked under my bottom lip giving me a steady buzz from its THC-soaked fur, and then Barrett showed up and said, “Can we do this quickly, it’s pretty late,” and Emily said, “Why did we have to meet at two thirty in the morning?” and I said that this was the only time I was free because I was busy all day chucking nickels from my driveway to Arizona to pay my bill at the SkyMall catalog for the dignity I ordered a month ago which still hadn’t been shipped, and then Emily said she was hungry and asked for a snack so I tossed a raw potato at her and she said what am I supposed to do with this and I said you swallow it like a pill, it’s the new Tylenol Potato and right then Barrett returned from the water closet and said, “Why is your toilet a plaster molding of my face?” and that he did not like urinating into a facsimile of his own mouth, to which I told him to put a sock in it and I pulled a lever and the carcass of Michael Jordan dropped from the ceiling, his limbs covered in Hanes Knee-Highs, and then I said, “I want you two to stop screwing around, we need a good grade on this project or else I’ll fail and my parents will cut off my supply of plywood, so did you numbskulls get the file I emailed?” to which Emily said she didn’t open it because she expected a Word document about the culture of Spain but instead saw a file named Crap.jpg, to which I responded that it was in fact a scanned image of the dump I laid out on my scanner that very morning and I thought it was relevant to our project because that dump was spawned by a round of undercooked Spanish tapas prepared for me by Herb, the half-man half-raccoon that lives in my trash can and steals my Wi-Fi, and just then Barrett climbed out from under MJ and said it’s time to get started and that we need to make a PowerPoint with ten slides and I said that the losers and decrepit would do ten slides, that instead we’re going to shoot a hundred-and-fifty minute IMAX 3D motion picture starring Barrett as the corpse of MJ and MJ’s corpse as our teacher Don Raymond, who we’d make look like a stud to ensure an A, and when Emily asked where we’d get the IMAX cameras I sprinted up to my bedroom and locked the door and ten minutes later they left and that’s how I avoided the annoyances of having to work in a group project.

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