Tuesday, April 12, 2011


My Italian teacher told the class today that the word “gladiator” comes from the Latin term for penis, which was associated with swords. I worry he may be screwing with us.

SUMMA RUDIS: Gladiators, assemble! Show the hungry crowd your weapons of destruction.
VERUS: I present to you my mighty sword, one meter of cool iron forged in the mines of Mesopotamia! Ready to drain the blood of my challenger!
(Crowd goes wild)
SUMMA RUDIS: And you, gladiator, display your instrument of death!
MATT: Wait, my teacher told us a different translation.
SUMMA RUDIS: We have no time to waste! Show us your sword!
MATT: This was all a big misunderstanding and I’m realizing now that I made a mistake…Here is my, uh, sword.
(He pulls a dead, limp penis out of his sheath.)
MATT: It’s four inches of flesh ripped off a dead soldier from Dalmatia.
VERUS: If you will allow me to be so bold, challenger, that looks to me more like a human's penis than a sword.
MATT: I know. I thought the word meant…
VERUS: Where is your scrotum shield?
MATT: Look, I don't need your jokes. This is humiliating. Can I just forfeit? Can I leave?
SUMMA RUDIS: The crowd would love to see you devoured by lions.
MATT: Fine, I’ll try to make it work.
SUMMA RUDIS: He will try to make it work! Let the bloodbath begin!
(Crowd goes wild)
VERUS: I don’t want that thing in my face.
MATT: I’ll throw it at you.
VERUS: I’ll cut your head off. I just don’t want that rotten penis on my face, okay? That’s nasty.
MATT: I’m going to throw it in your mouth.
(Crowd goes wild)

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