Wednesday, April 6, 2011


-Tim? You can come in now…You’re gonna like what I’m wearing under the covers…Hey! Who are you?
-Oh, hi, I’m Martin Haverchuck, nice to meet you, I'm the opening act tonight. Tim hired me to get you in the mood for sex, so he can just show up like the pro he is and get the job done. Shall we begin? I only have eight minutes.
-Where’s Tim?
-He’s in the bathroom drinking Sugar Free Red Bulls and warming up with some erotic literature. I took a peek at the set-list and you can look forward to a collection of the same greatest hits Tim has been doing for the past two years, followed by an encore of Tim falling asleep.
-This is too weird.
-It’s common nowadays. You can find me after Tim’s round at the merch table in your living room if you have questions. I have hoodies and can coozies with my logo on them.
-It’s just…I’m not Natasha. I’m Linda Kelly, the opening act Natasha hired to get Tim going. Natasha is in the kitchen heating up some soup.
-Huh. Maybe tonight will be the night they rekindle their interest in pleasing each other.
-Natasha just had the insides of her eyelids tattooed with pictures of Ryan Reynolds, so probably not.

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