Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"Double-Header"

Game One: "Pay Attention"

-We have two specials tonight: A sautéed tilapia with blackened shrimp served with Cajun cream sauce and fresh vegetables. We also have a special Tortilla Soup that today was made with pine tar in an effort to kill all of you because my idiot manager is obsessed with being the most haunted restaurant in America. Again, the Tortilla Soup has poison in it, so I do not recommend it. I’ll be back in a few minutes when you’re ready to order.
-Great, thanks.
-What was that second special?
-Don't know. I never listen to the specials. Not interested.
-Me neither. This Tortilla Soup looks pretty good.

Game Two: "Clinch the Pennant"

Dear Travel Channel,

Thank you for informing me of my restaurant’s ranking on your annual list of America’s most haunted restaurants. I am happy to be included, but second place? You’ve got to be kidding me. You ranked Dale’s Shrimp Hut as number one, which was either a mistake or blatant false advertising. You're more likely to see a greasy waiter sneeze into your scampi than you are to see a ghost there. The Home Run Grille is easily the most haunted restaurant in the nation and I'll tell you why.

Dale’s is supposedly haunted by the spirit of Poogan, a dog who got hit by a car. Big deal. Anyone can get hit by a car. My mom got hit by a car and I was in the driver’s seat and wasn’t even scared. Dale’s says that sometimes diners can see a glowing white light floating on the wall and it’s Poogan’s spirit. We've got a scary white light too, but at The Home Run Grille ours is the spirit of Ron, the dove Randy Johnson drilled with a fastball. Every night at 7:30 Ron flies through the dining room and eats dollar bills out of customers' wallets and explodes.

Your program said that at Dale’s sometimes the tables set themselves. How the hell is that scary? That sounds like a pretty amazing perk as a manager. More of a convenience than a haunt. At The Home Run Grille, our tables are set by vampire Tommy Lasorda. Six months ago we kidnapped former Los Angeles Dodgers Manager Tommy Lasorda and brought him to a crossroads in the woods at midnight and convinced a wandering bloodsucker to take a bite out of his neck, so now Lasorda is a bloodthirsty monster. He’s a full-time busboy who sets tables and polishes silverware and, oh yeah, sometimes murders entire families, which I’m pretty sure is a little scarier than a spoon that knows to sit on the right side of the plate. Vampire Tommy Lasorda will eat your god damned soul.

Dale’s horrendous website told me that their mediocre restaurant is occasionally haunted by the ghost of Civil War General George McCall, who killed himself in the building when it was a hotel. I did some research and General McCall was a total coward in battle. This guy faked sick to get out of battles and even killed himself because his cousin wouldn’t marry him. And he only shows up occasionally? He doesn’t sound like a horrifying ghost; he sounds like a flaky pussy. An ancient, depressed pussy is supposed to scare me? The Home Run Grille is haunted, every single night at 11 by Darryl Strawberry. He isn't a monster or anything, that's just when he comes in to eat and invariably he ends up scaring the shit out of everyone, like when he ripped a woman's spine out and used it as a bat to knock her eyeballs out of the park, or when he once ate a fat sunburned boy because his mozzarella sticks were taking too long. So what’s scarier, a dusty old pussy who can’t show up to work on a regular schedule, or a coked-up Darryl Strawberry hopping over tables to eat your son?

If that isn’t enough proof, compare the eleven reported deaths at Dale’s with our twenty-three. And if that isn’t good enough, we are rolling out a new system here to increase the hauntings by reformulating our Grand Slam Tortilla Soup so it's half pine tar. Every week we're going to have a fresh line-up of dead flip-flop wearing ghosts ready to haunt the hell out of this place. The Home Run Grille is already the most haunted baseball-themed sports bar and grill in the southeast by a longshot and we clearly deserve to be number one in the country. If you still aren’t convinced I will gladly hang myself and put in 110% effort to horrify the children by dressing as an umpire and ejecting their parents from their lives, or maybe just by throwing tater tots in the kids' faces. I’ll do whatever it takes. I just need to be number one.

Sincerely,
Al Garland
Manager
The Home Run Grille
One of America's Most Haunted Restaurants

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