Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"Consequences"

-Hi, Matt, my name is Operative Adams from the CIA. Do you know why we’re here?
-I swear I didn't download those movies. It was my neighbor.
-That’s not why we’re here. Within the hour, America's bottled water distributors will be attacked by Donovan St. Clair, an international bioterrorist. He will poison the nation's water with a concentrated form of anthrax.
-Is going door-to-door really the best way to spread the word?
-We have analyzed your scores from the videogame Goldeneye, which we designed as a combat simulator, and believe you are the only man up to the task of eliminating Donovan St. Clair and his leagues of bodyguards.
-What?
-Your scores are extraordinary. Your kill to death ratio surpasses anything we’ve ever seen before. Your laser-like aim with the PP7 pistol will save millions of lives.
-No, look, I used a GameShark on that game. I had invincibility turned on, and infinite ammo, and all the weapons, so I think you should find someone else.
-Invincibility? Unlimited ammunition and weaponry? You should have been inducted years ago.
-No, look, it's this thing you stick into the bottom of the game and--
-Keep your combat secrets to yourself! We brought you a PP7 and you may use your GameShark device. St. Clair will ring your doorbell in fifteen minutes, expecting you to be an arms dealer named Diego Escobar who is selling him nuclear warheads. Eliminate St. Clair and the rest of his men and the nation will again be safe. We will be waiting in a van ninety miles away if anything goes wrong.

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