Thursday, March 3, 2011

"Scenarios That Would Justify My Keeping Contacts I Haven’t Seen Since Middle School in My Phone"

-Hello?
-Hey, Kyle, it’s Matt Burns.
-Who?
-From middle school. I think we were in a group for a project once.
-Oh, right. How’s it going?
-Listen, I’m on this game show and the million dollar question is, are you ready? We’ve got thirty seconds. What is the nickname for the Boeing B-52 Stratofortress? Is it SLUFF, BUFF, Hoover, or Guppy?
-What?
-I thought you were into military aircrafts.
-I was when I was thirteen.

-Hi, you’ve reached Kelsey. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back.
-Hey, Kelsey, this is Matt Burns from middle school. I don’t know if you remember me, but listen, I’m in a tight situation. I’m pretty sure I remembered you saying your family was moving to Albuquerque after eighth grade and I’m here now and I ran in with the wrong crowd. Anyway, I need ten thousand dollars or else these big guys will cut off my fingers and –
-Hello?
-Kelsey?
-Who is this?
-Oh thank god. This is Matt Burns.
-From middle school?
-Yeah. Listen, I’m in a bind. I need ten thousand dollars.
-Okay.
-You’ll lend it to me?
-Sure.
-Wow. This is amazing.
-As soon as you give me back the pencil you borrowed.
-That was years ago.
-I know. Now you owe me two pencils.

-Hello?
-Hey, Matt? This is Anthony.
-Anthony! I saw you on the caller ID and I couldn’t believe it. It’s been years!
-I know.
-I’m so glad you called. I really want to apologize for how I treated you in middle school. I’m sorry for saying you looked like a retarded fish and for calling you a turdburglar.
-Listen, I’m going to be in your area soon.
-Great! Let’s catch up.
-Well, let me be blunt. I don’t mean to burden you but I recently won an electric guitar solo contest and now I’m sponsored by Panama Jack Suntan Oil and I’m touring the country in a bus full of bikini models and millions of dollars in cash. If we ditch some of the excess cash we can fit another model on here, so I was wondering if I could drop off a few boxes of cash at your place. Sorry about sticking you with this chore; if you don’t –
-I’ll take it! Sure, no problem! It’s always great to help an old friend. I’m so glad we can get over the mean things I did.
-Thanks, man. Your house is on Hull Street, right?
-No, it’s on Milledge.
-Wait, is this Matt Burns?
-Yeah.
-Oh shit, I meant to call Matt Kohrs! My bad, man. Burns, right, the asshole. You still wearing those husky jeans?
-Hey! That’s not exactly fair.
-I got to go, dingbat. These ladies need an oiling.

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