Thursday, March 10, 2011

"The New Paradigm"

DON: I have called you three in because you are my top employees and I have some big things in store for Golden Ice Creams.
PETER: That is an honor, sir.
SUSAN: Very exciting. Will we be opening a new store?
DON: Better. Gang, I recently read a magazine article that has me very excited for the future of our little ice cream shop. Two words, guys: new media.
ALEX: Oh yes! Digital is in! We must go digital. Great idea, sir.
PETER: Excellent! The future of ice cream is digital.
DON: This article told me everything we need to do. We will expand our services by creating an app for smartphones as well as a slick new website, a Twitter feed, an RSS feed from our blog, a YouTube channel, and a Facebook page.
PETER: Great thinking, Don. It's what the people want.
ALEX: I'm envisioning a viral marketing campaign. A series of videos featuring a man slaughtering a turkey in the woods.
SUSAN: But we sell ice cream.
DON: And with these new platforms, who knows what we can do? It's all about expanding our brand, and in one word our brand is "delicious."
PETER: We can put up some delicious statuses.
ALEX: How about a podcast? Maybe a two hour delicious daily podcast?
SUSAN: I just don’t see how those things are relevant. What did the article have to do with local ice cream shops?
DON: I assure you, Susan, it was a very juicy article.
PETER: Extremely juicy.
ALEX: A real cantaloupe of an article.
DON: Here’s our new business model: In fiscal year 2011, I will redistribute funds so 50% goes to ice cream and the other 50% goes to social media. That should be stable enough to last us to the next year, when we will shift to a 100% social media focus.
ALEX: Brilliant. I wish I could download you as an app, sir.
PETER: That funding could hire a Flickr consultant to manage an hourly photostream featuring children playing with rabbits.
ALEX: Photos of rabbits are huge with females 11-14. Big demo.
SUSAN: But we sell ice cream. Why don’t we invest in new flavors or opening new stores? Who needs all those news feeds about ice cream? What will we even put on them?
PETER: Susan, if we don’t grab the slippery eel that is social media now, in two years we won’t be able to sell any ice cream because Ben and Jerry’s will have all the Facebook fans.
SUSAN: But our new business model says that in two years we won’t make any ice cream.
DON: Exactly! We will be entirely social media based. Thank about it: Would you rather have a tiny cup of lame ice cream or a high-definition, interactive, Web 2.0 ice cream app?
ALEX: My mouth is watering thinking about the app, sir.
SUSAN: What will be the first story we post? “Hey everyone, we still sell ice cream”? This is the dumbest plan I’ve ever heard.
PETER: Maybe we could do a little news bullet about a new job opening because Susan got fired?
DON: Hey, now…Susan has a valid opinion, even if she is living in the eighteenth century.
SUSAN: Fine. I quit. I’ll work for Henderson’s Ice Cream.
ALEX: Selling analog ice cream to analog customers? Good luck with that, Susan B. Anthony.

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