Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"Mutually Beneficial"

Fisconn Consultants
(Board Meeting Minutes: March 9, 1978)
(1:00pm, Los Angeles Office)

Board Members:
Present: Howard Feldman, CEO; Mitch Stalling; Ellen Goldberg; Doug Lipwitz

Proceedings:
- Meeting called to order at 1:00 p.m. by Chair, Howard Feldman
- (Last month's) meeting minutes were amended and approved

- Chief Executive's Report Provided by Howard Feldman:
- Outlined new project: Skeeter Woodman, a director at SpreadEm Films, has requested consulting on his company’s time management. He says that it is taking far too long to film a man and woman switching off performing oral sex on each other. He is looking for a time-saving solution. Feldman mentioned that performing well on this project will not only help SpreadEm make more films, but will also help Fisconn land more contracts in the adult film industry.

- Proposal provided by Mitch Stalling:
- Stalling pitched a potential solution that would involve placing steam-operated motors on each performer’s tongue that would increase the lick rate sixteen-fold.

- Proposal provided by Ellen Goldberg:
- Goldberg suggested that the steam motors may cause tongue burns and suggested a system of ropes and pulleys, by which a performer’s tongue could be manually flicked up and down by a crew member as if it were a marionette puppet.

-Proposal provided by Doug Lipwitz:
-Lipwitz pointed out that many performers may object to having a crewman operate his or her tongue because it would harm the integrity of their performance and may reduce having sex on film from the level of art to some sort of craft. Lipwitz told a personal story that never should have been made public involving himself walking out of the shower and tripping, tumbling forward onto the bed on top of his nude wife. They found themselves pleasuring each other simultaneously by assuming alternate orientations. While he faced north, his wife, Janeane, faced south, and they at once gave and received below-average pleasure to each other. His wife left unsatisfied as always. He suggested this method will lead to time savings of 50%. He drew several diagrams and equations to explain his unique idea and proposed it be named "The Lipwitz Lick" and flicked his eyebrows and licked his lips when he said it.

- Assessment of the Meeting:
-Feldman and the rest of the board overwhelmingly supported the idea, although they considered the proposed name disturbing.
-Feldman proposed they all order a pizza from John's to celebrate.
-Goldberg looked up John's phone number and wrote it down: 069-069-6969.
-Lipwitz pointed out that the numbers looked like they were in the Lipwitz Lick position.
-Stalling proposed they call the position the "69."
-Feldman called a vote on the name, which passed 3-1.
-Lipwitz stormed out.

- Meeting adjourned at 2:21 p.m.
- Minutes submitted by Secretary, Janeane Lipwitz.

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