Monday, March 21, 2011

"Directions Are Relative"

“It was great to see everyone. Could someone tell me how to get back to the highway from here?”

ALICE, GRANDMOTHER
After you leave my neighborhood, you take a left at the Stein Mart where my friend Gloria passed away, then after about five miles take a right at the Belk’s where my friend Theresa passed away, and then another right at the shopping center we don’t like to talk about anymore with the Picadilly Cafeteria where my friend Craig had his heart attack. That’ll get you to the highway where my friend Rose fell asleep behind the wheel.

BRENDA, CERAMIC KANGAROO ENTHUSIAST AUNT
No problem, sweetheart. Just make a left at Briarson’s Antiques, where they’ve got the big fat kangaroos, then make a right at Plaster Palace, where they’ve got some Eastern Grey kangaroos you can paint yourself, then make another right at the shopping center with the Hallmark with the overpriced figurines that don’t even feature accurate snouts, which is just another reason to not go to that shopping center after the disgusting tragedy Dennis caused.

HERB, OBESE UNCLE
One sec, let me just swallow this gristle. Okay, what you do is you take a left at the KFC/Taco Bell combo, pick up some popcorn chicken, then right after you finish eating those you’ll take a right at the Denny’s where you should sit at the last booth down because the waitress there, Patricia, will let you choose a syrup tub as your beverage, then after that you take another right at the shopping center with the Picadilly Cafeteria, you know, the shopping center where the incident happened, where you should pick up a couple Blackened Porks with Fettuccini Alfredo to go because you’ll be on the highway for about fifteen minutes so you’ll need a snack.

DENNIS, FAMLY EMBARRASSMENT
Hell yeah, just take a left at the Blockbuster where me and Cindy Kirkpatrick filmed our sex tape in the Gamecube aisle, then make a right at the Kohl’s that has the ATM I chained to my truck that ripped off my bumper, then another right at that shopping center with the Picadilly Cafeteria where I slaughtered all those kangaroos to have my Kangaroo-B-Q, which would have been pimp if the news vans hadn't shown up.