Monday, March 7, 2011

"Collapse"

MARTIN: Now this over here is actually the oldest part of the mine. Tunnel One. If you can believe it, it’s older than me! This tunnel was carved out in 1849 and is actually still used today as a transport tunnel for the ore. It is so old that it is the only tunnel in the mine without an emergency ladder, but don’t worry. There hasn’t been a dangerous incident here in over ninety years.
DEREK: Incredible.
MARTIN: Let’s go over here and I’ll tell you about--
ALISHA: Did anyone feel that? I just felt the ground shake.
HUGH: Yeah, I felt it. Is it an earthquake? It’s getting stronger.
MARTIN: Hang tight, everyone. Find a wall and brace yourself. This should be over in a few seconds. Just a minor shake; happens all the time.
VOICE ON PA: Attention! Attention! Exit the mine immediately! Exit the mine immediately! We are experiencing a tunnel collapse! Exit via the emergency ladders!
ALISHA: There’s no ladder in here! We’re going to die!
MARTIN: Stay calm, everyone. We can find an exit through Tunnel Six. Just stay calm, follow me, and we’ll be fine.
VOICE ON PA: Attention! Tunnel six has collapsed! Tunnel six has collapsed!
HUGH: We’re going to die in here. My life ends on a mine tour.
DEREK: Wait! Everyone stop freaking out. We must adapt to our surroundings and formulate a plan to get out of here. What’s vital is our ability to improvise during a crisis.
ALISH: He’s right.
MARTIN: What do you propose?
VOICE ON PA: Attention! Tunnel One will collapse in two minutes! Evacuate Tunnel One!
DEREK: We need to improvise. Quick, everybody get in a circle. Now look at me. Look at my hands, people. Look at my hands! I have here a ball of incredible energy. If I pass the energy to you, you must talk like a crazy robot and do a little robot dance. Then pass the energy on to someone else. Got it, people? This is an emergency! Go!
ALISHA: Beep! Boop! Beep!
MARTIN: One one one zero zero one! Destroy humans!
HUGH: This doesn’t make sense.
DEREK: You didn’t talk like a robot, man! You lose this game. Your punishment is you have to step into the circle and act like you’re a supermodel on a runway.
HUGH: What? No. We have to get out of this mine.
VOICE ON PA: One minute! Tunnel One will collapse in one minute!
DEREK: Listen! This is a crisis! We have to improvise! Walk like a model, for christ’s sake! Work it!
MARTIN: Come on, man, just do it!
HUGH: Who made him leader?
MARTIN: He had the energy ball.
DEREK: Quit screwing around; this is a crisis. There's barely enough time for you to perform a monologue. Someone shout out a profession! For god’s sake, we’re running out of time, people!
ALISHA: Plumber!
DEREK: Go! You’re a plumber! Do a monologue! Now!
HUGH: Fine. But everyone remember that this guy is responsible for all of us dying. Hey everyone, look at me, I’m a plumber. Just fixing some pipes over here, showing my butt crack and wasting our time as we die in this mine. Just pulling levers—
(He pulls a lever and a ladder descends from the ceiling)
MARTIN: The fabled hidden ladder...I never would have thought of that lever...
DEREK: Everybody up the ladder! Go! Go! Go! Great work, man. We should be scene partners sometime. You've got the goods.
HUGH: I don’t know what to think.

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