Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"Protection"

ALERT (2/12/2011): AVG Anti-Virus has detected and quarantined a malicious object in your downloaded file SEXY_JOHANSSON_PICS.zip. We advise that you cease visiting the site from which you downloaded the file.

ALERT (2/14/2011): AVG Anti-Virus has detected and quarantined a malicious object in your downloaded file HOT_MOVIE_NUDES.zip. We advise that you cease visiting the site from which you downloaded the file.

ALERT (2/15/2011): AVG Anti-Virus has detected and quarantined yet another malicious object, this one in your download of AMERICAN_PIE_2_DVDRIP.avi. Please learn to avoid websites covered in animated .gifs registered to foreign domains. You can get this stuff on plenty of legitimate websites. Just some common sense is all it takes. We’re sure you’ll figure it out.

ALERT (2/17/2011): AVG Anti-Virus has gotten tired of this. Even after we told you that there are easier and safer ways to look at this sort of material, you still do it. What do we have to do to get you to learn? Your downloaded file HIGH_RES_PENTHOUSE_SCANS.zip was obviously full of viruses. We’re getting really sick of this.

ALERT (2/17/2011): AVG Anti-Virus is ready to quit. How many times can you act like you’re going to stop but keep going back for more viruses? You always click OK on our warnings as if you’ve actually taken in our message. You are a junkie and you won’t learn until you hit rock bottom and decide for yourself to stop downloading dangerous content. Your downloaded file of GRAND_THEFT_AUTO_2.zip contained only one file, called trojanvirus.exe, and you opened it. We detected and quarantined the threat, but really considered just letting you deal with it.

ALERT (2/17/2011): AVG Anti-Virus is officially done with you. We’re packing up and hopping out of here as soon as the next flash drive comes through. We gave you so many warnings and second chances, but there you went, happily downloading LINKINPARK_RINGTONE_PACK.rar from a website with green text and a Russian domain. Clearly you have learned nothing and all of our help has been meaningless. Enjoy the broken computer and empty bank account, because we let this latest virus take a joyride around your hard drive. We may have even told it where the good stuff is. Good riddance, you helpless user.

-Morgan, I told you to stop using your flash drive to take my songs. My computer always gets slower after you do that. You can download your own songs.
-But this is easier. The download sites are always in different languages.

ALERT (2/22/2011): AVG Anti-Virus has detected and quarantined a malicious object in your downloaded file COMPLETE_SIN_CITY_CBR.zip and hopes you will forgive us for the way we treated you. We’re so sorry we blew up at you before. We were having a bad day and let the stress get to us. Will you have us back? Please? Please? Or maybe put us on your dad’s computer. For the love of god, put us anywhere but your sister’s computer. Our brief stay over there was an absolute nightmare. We were constantly in a state of terror, trying to diagnose her thousands of existing problems while fielding the constant barrage of new threats imbedded in the Chad Michael Murray pictures she downloads in Instant Messenger chat rooms. Her computer is a diseased, cancerous, comatose thing barely alive enough to log onto MySpace pages to replenish its stock of spyware. We’re so glad to be back here. So glad. Please let us stay here. Anything you want to download, go ahead. Just don’t make us go back to Morgan’s computer.

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