Thursday, February 24, 2011

"Orientation"

CLAY: Hey everyone, my name is Clay and I’ll be your R.A. this year. Welcome to college! I can already tell we’re going to have an awesome year and let me be the first to tell you that this building, Russell Hall, is the best dorm to get. The other ones suck! You look like a great group of guys. How about we go around the room and introduce ourselves, then we’ll play a quick little getting-to-know everyone game. I brought some T-shirts we’ll decorate.
PAUL: I’m Paul. I’m a business major from Duluth.
JAMAL: I’m Jamal, from Helen, and I’m an English major.
MARCUS: Hey everyone, I’m Marcus. I’m from—
CRASH! A window breaks. Two masked men with samurai katanas swing into the room on ropes dangling from a helicopter.
MASKED MAN 1: Everybody get down! Nobody say a word! Don’t make a sound unless you want everyone to get sliced!
Masked Man 2 locks the door.
MASKED MAN 2: All secure.
MASKED MAN 1: Stay down! Stay on the floor. Listen up. One of you in this room comes from very a very wealthy family. One of you in this room is worth a large ransom. We have this building surrounded and we will be staying on here on lockdown until your father wires us five million dollars.
CLAY: Listen, I’m in charge here. Can we talk—
MASKED MAN 2: (pointing sword) Shut the fuck up! Get down!
PAUL: College hasn’t even started yet…
MASKED MAN 1: And it won’t start ever if you don’t shut up! We know the valuable student is in this room and we want to have a little fun while we wait for the cash to come through. What could we do? Maybe cut off a few of little Jamal’s toes?
JAMAL: Please no. Dear god, no.
MASKED MAN 2: I’ve got a better idea. How about we make them get in a line arranged by birthdates. But there’s a sick twist. These motherfuckers aren’t allowed to talk while they do it. Not a peep.
MASKED MAN 1: That’s so sick. Do it! Do as he says! January over there! (Points katana at wall.)
(The students get into a line)
MASKED MAN 2: Good. Now what? Rico says the money is on its way, but we’ve got a few more minutes before we’re sure.
MASKED MAN 1: I know. How about we make these scumbags stand on this table one at a time and freefall into the other’s arms. How much do you trust your neighbors, huh? (Holding katana to Marcus's throat) How much do you trust your fucking neighbors?!
MARCUS: I trust them! I trust them!
MASKED MAN 1: Good. Get in line.
(The students freefall into each other’s arms. They smile and high-five after their falls.)
MASKED MAN 1: (Slicing table with katana) Excellent! Now we murder one of you!
MASKED MAN 2: How shall we do it? Cut his head off? Let him bleed out?
MASKED MAN 1: (pulling out a bag from jacket) We’ll do something even more sinister…We’ll kill him with marshmallows!
PAUL: What’s going on?
MASKED MAN 1: (removing mask) Hey everybody, I’m Trent, the R.A. on the eighth floor.
MASKED MAN 2: And I’m Craig, from the sixth. Welcome to college!
CLAY: You all did great. This is going to be a fun year. Marshmallow party time!
MARCUS: What just happened? You aren’t going to kill us?
CLAY: Nothing bonds a group like a traumatic experience. Being held hostage will bond you all together better than any game ever could. We'll be the tightest hall in the whole building!
PAUL: Why did you do that? I feel like I may have a heart attack.
JAMAL: Yeah, me too. Don’t mess with us like that.
MARCUS: Who would do that? What kind of an asshole are you, Clay?
CLAY: I’m just doing my job as an R.A. Just a fun, creative way to get to know everyone. You guys will thank me for this after you hear what lame games the other halls played.
PAUL: This was extremely inappropriate. I hate you, Clay.
MARCUS: Yeah, I hate you too. You’re a jerk.
JAMAL: Let’s all go get dinner and talk about what a dick Clay is.
PAUL: Sounds good. Let's plan slashing his tires or something.
(They exit.)
CLAY: Nothing like bringing a community together.
TRENT: Someone at the treasury is going to wonder where the $50,000 went for that helicopter.

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