Thursday, February 17, 2011

"If I Had the Early Edition"

POLICE: (Knocking on door) Matt, are you in there?
MATT: Yeah, what is it?
POLICE: We understand you have possession of a special newspaper. Your edition each morning tells of tomorrow’s news.
MATT: Yeah, I actually just threw out today’s. I mean tomorrow’s, heh.
POLICE: But you read it?
MATT: Of course. I read it every day. I have all of tomorrow’s news right in my brain.
POLICE: Thank god. We just received a call tipping us off to a bomb detonating in one of the city’s banks tonight. Your knowledge of which bank the bomb is in will save dozens of lives. Thank god for that special newspaper.
MATT: Oh…A bank?
POLICE: Yes, the caller specified it would be in one of the banks in town. Will it be the Wells Fargo? The Suntrust?
MATT: Hmm…A bank…Jees, I just can’t remember.
POLICE: Surely it was on the front page. It will be the year’s biggest atrocity.
MATT: I actually skipped past that section.
POLICE: You skipped the front page?
MATT: Yeah, I went right to a two-pager in Arts about Judi Dench’s memoir. It's supposed to be pretty good.
POLICE: Dozens of people will die. You alone had this power. Surely you have some valuable information for me.
MATT: Two and a Half Men will be a rerun tomorrow night.
POLICE: You deserve nothing.

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