Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Newspaper"

Slut Sleeps With Over 1,000 Bedbugs Every Night

A 26 year-old woman in New York City recently admitted to sleeping with scores of different bedbugs every single night. “I mean, in college she got around a little, but I never expected this,” said her friend Jackie Brennan.

USPS Unveils New Electronic Mail System

In an effort to overcome recent extreme revenue downfalls, the United States Postal Service unveiled today a new service dubbed Electronic Postal Service. In the new system, customers will come to a Post Office retail location and type out their message onto one of four computer terminals, which will be Gateway machines running Windows 95. The user can then select from different shipping methods, ranging in delivery times from three to fourteen days, priced between $.50 and $14.00. The user will enter the IP address of the recipient’s Post Office, and the recipient will need a unique 14-digit usercode and 18-character password to open the message at one of their Post Office’s computer terminals. Before sending, each message will be screened by a seasoned Postal employee for no particular reason. The new system is expected to generate record profits.

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