Sunday, January 30, 2011

"My Fantasy at Thirteen and How I Would Have Handled It"

-Hey you, over there!
-Who? Me?
-Yes, could you come in here a minute? I need help.
-What is it, Mrs. Winters?
-My computer is all clogged with spyware and my husband is gone for the weekend, so I need you to fix it. I’m here all by myself this weekend in this big empty house and without my computer, what will I do?
-Well okay, I’ll run a spyware scan for you.
-Matt, there’s also one more thing. I desperately want to perform oral sex on you.
-Really?
-There’s just something about the way your stocky legs grind against each other when you run. I can imagine the chafing and it arouses me to no end. I see your sweaty bush of hair bouncing and I want it on my face.
-That sounds excellent, Mrs. Winters.
-And now that you’re in my house I can smell your powerful aroma. The Axe bodyspray mixes so delicately with your sour body odor and it makes me want to disrobe immediately. Your acne scars speak of battles fought and won, and there’s something about the bulging, purple, bruised look of your current cystic acne that causes me to ache with desire.
-Of course, Mrs. Winters. Let me just get this scan started and you can make a man of me.
-I have also purchased a Nintendo Gamecube for you to play after we fornicate. I have the component cables for the sharpest picture quality, the Wavebird wireless controller, as well as an assortment of extreme sports games.
-That sounds excellent. I’m almost done on the computer.
-There is also a Tombstone pepperoni pizza waiting for you in the freezer.
-Great, great. Just one more second.
-What on earth are you doing, Matt? I’ve been waiting for this for months! Meet me in my room when you are ready.
-Just one more second.

Six hours later.
-Matt! What have you been doing? I fell asleep up here.
-Sorry, Mrs. Winters, but people keep posting new messages on this forum so I have to read them all or else I’ll be so far behind in the discussion of Metroid Prime that I won’t even be able to comment. Just one more second.

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