Monday, January 31, 2011

"The Best Excuse"

-Mom, can we buy a videocamera?
-What for?
-It’s for a school project. We have to make a video for our group.
-Well, if it’s for school then that’s okay.

-Officer, this is all a big misunderstanding.
-There’s no misunderstanding. You stole the candy and ran through seven yards trying to get away from me.
-But officer, it was for school. I’m writing a paper about shoplifting and this was research.
-Oh. I had no idea it was for school. Would you like a tour of the police station?

-The jury hereby claims the defendant—
-Wait, wait, wait. There’s one last thing. This was a school project.
-If I may, Mr. Davidson, you have embezzled thirty million dollars and you have not been in school for over twenty years.
-No, no, no. You see, I just enrolled in an online course last month and our first homework is to build a rocket ship, so that’s why I needed the money.
-Well, if it was for school, then we don’t want to get in the way of your education. I hope you receive an A on your spaceship.

-Mr. Lewis, I was wondering if I could take a six month leave of absence from work to travel around the world on a sailboat with three sexy young women while still receiving my full salary and benefits.
-Absolutely not! What makes you think I would allow that?
-It is for school, sir. A project about wind.
-Wind?
-Yes, a science project that will help me determine which direction the wind blows and also how long it takes to get tired of seeing breasts. It’s for school, sir.
-Well if it’s for school I suppose that’s alright. We’ll be sure to deposit your paychecks for you. Just be sure to really look at those breasts so you make a good grade.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

"Comic Book Logic"

-Harold, come here, dear boy. I’ve got some bad news.
-What is it, dad?
-You know that grandpa has been in the hospital for a while now, right?
-Yes.
-Well he passed away last night.
-Grandpa died?
-Yes. Grandpa is dead. At least for the time being.
-What do you mean?
-He’s gone for at least a month. It might be as many as three.
-But…but he’s dead.
-Exactly. He’ll be gone for a few months. No one can say for sure how many. And then he’ll come back and tell us all where he went. He may be in an inter-dimensional portal or he may be smoothing over things with Norse gods right now. Don’t fret! We’ll find out soon.
-But…I thought dead meant he’s gone forever.
-We all did, too, until we realized what was going on here. I do have to warn you, though, grandpa may come back as someone else. It may be a person who studied under your grandpa and has learned all of his ways. Like you know his friend Steve Doyle? Steve Doyle may be your new grandpa.
-But Mr. Doyle isn’t grandpa.
-Not yet. But grandpa taught him everything he knows. Mr. Doyle can watch television, get the mail, and tell uninteresting stories just as well as grandpa, but with a newer style.
-But he won’t look like grandpa.
-Sure he will. He’ll take grandpa’s khaki pants and striped sweaters and update them. Maybe he’ll put big stripes down the pant legs. It’ll be fine, sport. No big deal. We’ll find out in a few months.
-Well okay. But what will we do until then?
-We’ll just have to put up with his talking cat Buttons for a little while.

"My Fantasy at Thirteen and How I Would Have Handled It"

-Hey you, over there!
-Who? Me?
-Yes, could you come in here a minute? I need help.
-What is it, Mrs. Winters?
-My computer is all clogged with spyware and my husband is gone for the weekend, so I need you to fix it. I’m here all by myself this weekend in this big empty house and without my computer, what will I do?
-Well okay, I’ll run a spyware scan for you.
-Matt, there’s also one more thing. I desperately want to perform oral sex on you.
-Really?
-There’s just something about the way your stocky legs grind against each other when you run. I can imagine the chafing and it arouses me to no end. I see your sweaty bush of hair bouncing and I want it on my face.
-That sounds excellent, Mrs. Winters.
-And now that you’re in my house I can smell your powerful aroma. The Axe bodyspray mixes so delicately with your sour body odor and it makes me want to disrobe immediately. Your acne scars speak of battles fought and won, and there’s something about the bulging, purple, bruised look of your current cystic acne that causes me to ache with desire.
-Of course, Mrs. Winters. Let me just get this scan started and you can make a man of me.
-I have also purchased a Nintendo Gamecube for you to play after we fornicate. I have the component cables for the sharpest picture quality, the Wavebird wireless controller, as well as an assortment of extreme sports games.
-That sounds excellent. I’m almost done on the computer.
-There is also a Tombstone pepperoni pizza waiting for you in the freezer.
-Great, great. Just one more second.
-What on earth are you doing, Matt? I’ve been waiting for this for months! Meet me in my room when you are ready.
-Just one more second.

Six hours later.
-Matt! What have you been doing? I fell asleep up here.
-Sorry, Mrs. Winters, but people keep posting new messages on this forum so I have to read them all or else I’ll be so far behind in the discussion of Metroid Prime that I won’t even be able to comment. Just one more second.

"Birthday Gift"

-Happy Birthday, Ashley. I love you so much.
-Aw, I love you too, Rick. Can I open it?
-Yeah, open it!
-Ooh, a coupon for sex! How naughty. Can I use this whenever I want?
-Yeah, but it’s not really a coupon.
-What?
-Look. It says Groupon.
-What does that mean?
-It’s like that website. You have to get five of your friends to use it too for it to be valid. So whenever they’re all free, we’re good to go.
-You disgust me.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

"Microsoft Word Synonym Tool Credited As Co-Writer of Prize-Winning Essay"

Eighth grader Mark Richie, who won the Fulton County Annual Presidential Essay Contest for his paper "What I Would Do As President" will have to share the title and prize with the Synonym function on his version of Microsoft Word 2003. School officials suspected there may have been a ghost writer involved when they read over the well-structured essay and found words like "magnanimous," "astonishing," and "tremendous." Allison Lindberg, Principal of Webb Bridge Middle School, said, "It was clear immediately that Mark didn't write these adjectives. Anytime a teacher reads a student's essay that contains words longer than five letters, they must report them to our Council of Academic Honesty." Mark will be able to keep half the prize, because he is responsible for the five-paragraph structure. However, half of the $20 Barnes and Noble gift card will be sent to Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. Mark responded to our story via email saying, "Without the remarkable help of Microsoft Word, my exhilarating essay would not have been achievable."

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"Publisher Updates Culturally Disturbing Book-Jacket Photo of Mark Twain"

NewSouth books announced today that their new edition of Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which will change all instances of the word "nigger" to "slave," will also include a new jacket photograph of Mr. Twain, updated to today's cultural norms. Alan Gribben, the Twain scholar responsible for the new edition, said, "The existing photographs of Mark Twain all feature an old man wearing a suit with unkempt hair. As a twenty-first-century man, it is offensive to see Twain lacking designer clothing, any sense of trendiness, or a ripped body. It is our job to provide an updated photograph of Mr. Twain that will not disturb anyone."

The new photograph appears below.

"Too Much to Eat"

"Brand Integration"

"Gorilla Scams"

Sunday, January 16, 2011

"Practical Skill"

I was sitting in my office the other day just kicking back and about to start on some serious work designing some killer pickle-based characters for the kids menu of a new burger spot when Kimberly from accounts walked by and saw my calendar featuring photos of hot collegiate gymnasts and said, “Hey, I was a gymnast in college; I can do all the moves” so I said, “What a useless skill,” and she said, “Gymnastics is actually an extremely useful skill with plenty of practical uses in the workplace. Check this out,” and she ran to the end of the hall, did some weird stretches and made unintentional faces like she was taking a dump and rocketed into a triple-back handspring down the aisle between cubicles, twirling and spinning the whole time, springing her body toward the ceiling with her skinny arms, the short heels sticking out of her boot-cut dress pants nearly scraping the lights, then Bill from corporate walked out of a hallway and she kicked him in the chin and he spilled his coffee all over himself and the floor and I think a tooth came out and the office manager Mike poked his head out and yelled, “What the hell are you doing?” but it didn’t stop Kimberly from doing one last back-flip and her head crashed through the flat glass on the Xerox machine.

"Signing Off"

Good evening and welcome to Entertainment Tonight, I’m Mark Steines. Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith, Corey Haim. Three beloved stars tragically taken from us too soon. I am pained, humbled, but most of all proud to say I will be entering their ranks tonight. After sixteen wonderful years of reporting on the fascinating lives of shining stars like Jennifer Lopez, Jack Nicholson, and Julia Roberts, I have decided to end my life by overdosing on sleeping pills and slicing my head off with a Japanese katana, much like the one used by Uma Thurman in Quentin Tarantino’s 2003 smash Kill Bill. After spending so many hours researching, writing, and reporting on the news and gossip of today’s hottest stars, I reached a point of absolute emptiness in my life. I was spending little time with my family, my hours instead composed of obsessing over which designer was responsible for the smashing dress Reese Witherspoon wore to the 2005 Oscars, when she picked up a much-deserved Best Actress award for her stunning performance as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line. I looked in the mirror and saw a shell, a hollow outline of the man I used to be, much like Kevin Bacon did in his blockbuster The Hollow Man. I have failed to achieve any of the goals I set when I entered the University of Maryland to study journalism with hopes of becoming a Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaper writer. If my life were a feature film, it would be a box office bomb, like the 2005 musical update of The Producers starring Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane. Much like Eddie Murphy in the hysterical Nutty Professor series, I have played many roles in my life, from passionate student to loving father to caring friend. But, as hard as it is to admit, the role that took over my life is entertainment reporter constantly chasing after meaningless scoops about stars like Taylor Swift, whose song “Fifteen” is about her real-life best friend Abigail. Thank you all for tuning in. This is Mark Steines, signing off for good. To my wife: When you find my dead body in the bathroom tonight, please dispose of it carefully and donate the katana to a good cause, like the Newseum in Washington, D.C. Please do not bury me in a ditch like in Martin Scorsese’s 1990 gangster classic Goodfellas starring silver screen icons Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Newspaper"

Slut Sleeps With Over 1,000 Bedbugs Every Night

A 26 year-old woman in New York City recently admitted to sleeping with scores of different bedbugs every single night. “I mean, in college she got around a little, but I never expected this,” said her friend Jackie Brennan.

USPS Unveils New Electronic Mail System

In an effort to overcome recent extreme revenue downfalls, the United States Postal Service unveiled today a new service dubbed Electronic Postal Service. In the new system, customers will come to a Post Office retail location and type out their message onto one of four computer terminals, which will be Gateway machines running Windows 95. The user can then select from different shipping methods, ranging in delivery times from three to fourteen days, priced between $.50 and $14.00. The user will enter the IP address of the recipient’s Post Office, and the recipient will need a unique 14-digit usercode and 18-character password to open the message at one of their Post Office’s computer terminals. Before sending, each message will be screened by a seasoned Postal employee for no particular reason. The new system is expected to generate record profits.