Monday, November 15, 2010

"Meeting Adjourned"

This group project was a total bore. These imbecilic characters didn’t know what they were talking about and all of our meetings were directionless. The meetings ran for hours and there was no simple way to call for an ending; our conversations just slowed until they sputtered out and died in gaping silences. It was our last meeting and I wanted to leave so I could go buy a fat burrito and sit and eat it with my legs dangling over a bridge. There was no polite way for me to excuse myself. I had to just go for it. I had to really demonstrate to these morons that I was done listening to their ignorant babbling. I stood up on the table and everyone in the library stared at me. I removed my clothing and leaned backwards until I grabbed my Achilles tendons and heard each and every vertebrae in my back explode. I shrieked as a pint of blood burst from my mouth and splashed onto the table like a water balloon. My legs immediately gave out and I buckled down onto the table, crashing flimsily like a donkey that had been shot. I stared Megan right in her stupid eyeballs and bit through my tongue. Then I pried my jaw apart with my hands, ripping the upper and lower parts away from each other with all my strength, until my head turned inside out. I was an anatomical diagram of the skull and the air stung my brain hard. I could only see darkness now, and I assumed my eyeballs were pointed at the inside of my skull. I heaved my dead body on top of my head and stood up on my hands. I fished a lighter out of my sweatshirt pocket and lit my body hair on fire. I walked out the front doors of the library, flaming and upside-down, leaving a slick brown trail of blood and brain fluid. I knew I had made an impression. I showed those boring suckers who was boss and I felt like I owned the place. Meeting adjourned, motherfuckers. I could hear muffled screams as people saw my hellish frame stroll out those doors like a wild-west cowboy. Hell yeah, I thought. Time for that burrito.

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