Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"'Complete Moron' Magazine Lets Advertisers Cut to the Chase"

Advance Publications, the media giant that operates Conde Nast as well as several daily newspapers and Parade magazine announced today a new weekly national newspaper insert designed to let advertisers hit an elusive target market. An excerpt from Advance’s press release: “Until now, the moron market had been dispersed throughout several other key demos. There are morons in every age group and in every state. Our new weekly, Complete Moron, is the only magazine that will allow advertisers a bulls-eye shot at their market every time.” The glossy publication will feature human interest stories focusing on felines, ordinary citizens with extraordinary collections, and doctors who sometimes tell jokes to their patients. Ad space has already been purchased for the next four years by companies selling Amish furnaces, collectible coins, diet pills, Elvis memorabilia, and dull-looking garments. When asked why they don’t just rebrand Parade, Julia Newman, Advance’s Head of PR said, “We have a steady readership of non-morons who believe the TV listings might be inside Parade. This new publication will only be opened by complete morons, as its covers will always feature Paula Deen wearing ethnically insensitive holiday outfits.”

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"Pin Box Game Ad"

"MacArthur Foundation to Award 23 Sarcastic 'Genius' Grants"

The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, known for awarding $500,000 grants to trailblazers in the arts, sciences, and academics, announced today a new annual program that spotlights twenty-three idiots from all walks of life by giving them a $200 gift certificate to Ruby Tuesday’s and sarcastic title of “Genius.” Catherine T. MacArthur said in a press release, “We scoured the country for shining examples of bone-headed decisions made by the finest morons and dingbats in the nation. We’ve got some real Einsteins in this bunch.” Eric Roth, a seventeen year-old high school senior from Roswell, Georgia earned the prize for a May 2nd incident in which he backed his mother’s minivan through the garage door. “It’s an honor,” he said. “It’s going to look so sweet on my college apps.” When told that the title is meant sarcastically, his tone changed. “That’s a low blow. Serious dick move on their part. Like I’m the first person to mix up the pedals?” The awards will be given in a ceremony next week to be held in the visitor’s dugout of Ungerman Field, a little league baseball field in Sparta, New Jersey.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

"Career Advice"

If you are looking to start a career in the busy world of advertising, the key thing to do is to brand yourself. It’s the only surefire way to get an employer to remember you out of the crowd of applicants. You need to summarize yourself and your point of view in one sentence, like how “Just Do It” is synonymous with Nike.
To give a first-hand example, I brand myself as “The Candidate with the Fattest Dick.” It’s a surefire way to get people to know who I am. There are plenty of people who pride themselves on their long dicks, but I emphasize a personal strength of mine and use it as my brand. By highlighting the fatness, not the length, of my penis, I am also demonstrating the advertising technique of turning a negative into a positive. Did you know that NyQuil was designed as an anytime cold remedy, and the fact that it made users drowsy was considered a negative side-effect? Re-branding as a night-time cold medicine did wonders.
I was born with a finite amount of dick skin, and not much of it. But the fleshy meat that fills the skin kept growing and growing. It’s as if you had a small sock and pumped it full of raw beef, then kept pumping more and more meat into there. That’s pretty much what my gear situation is. My penis is so thick it is nearly round, and bright pink. It always looks as though it is out of breath.
Some may see this as a negative, but by highlighting it, I challenge the perception that length is the only factor necessary in a quality dick.
By turning my negative into a positive and by branding myself, I am a top prospect for a number of jobs. I always print my resumes out on top of photographs of my dick, so employers will remember me.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"New Course Offering"

ASSU 3110. 3 hours.
Course Title: Assumptions About the Nineteenth Century

Course Description: Creating exciting and dynamic assumptions about society, politics, culture, and daily life during the nineteenth century. This course is geared toward students prone to making statements that begin, “Well, life back then was like…” in their other classes. This is not a history class and our research will be limited to speculation.

Oasis Title: ASSUMP NINETEEN CENT

Semester Course Offered: Offered fall and spring semester every year.

Grading System: A-F (Traditional)