Friday, March 26, 2010

"Middle School Graduation"

My sincerest congratulations go out to you all. You’ve done it. All of you sitting here before me are now officially middle school graduates. Truly an outstanding accomplishment. Middle school tests you in ways that will prepare you for life in the real world. You have proven yourselves capable of walking from one room to another, as well as being able to read. You’ve also…well, that’s kind of it.

You all have amazing futures ahead of you and you will all go on to do great things. Actually, I don’t know about that. A lot of you will turn to drugs and quit doing schoolwork in high school. Good luck to those of you who take that route. A few of you will go on to do great things. But as I look out at you now, beyond the harsh glare of this spotlight, I see an army of future Sports Authority employees.

You have all experienced a truly incredible part of your adolescence together. Ages eleven to thirteen are physically some of the worst of the whole bunch. What a pleasure it must be to die at ten and never know the misery of cleaning up a nocturnal emission. I see most of you girls are towering above your male peers, some of whom are still waiting to crack four feet. Your bodies may be lanky, ill-formed, misshapen, lacking in tone and definition, blobs with seemingly no sense of direction, just coagulating and mutating whichever way your casings of scabbed, oily skin will allow. But don’t say farewell to puberty just yet, because for most of you, there’s still three years left.

I suppose I’m supposed to motivate you now. Tell you to go on and use what you’ve learned in these middle school halls to make the world a better place. But, honestly there’s not much. To those of you who made an effort with your grades, I say why? You could have scooted right on through with Cs on everything, never wasting your time with homework, and been completely fine. Honestly, the most important thing you’ve learned in the past three years is how to masturbate.

Good luck to you all with whatever misfortune consumes your life.

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