Tuesday, June 2, 2009

“The New Fall Line Up On ABC”

“Good morning, Mr. Cooper. Please take a seat. I’m excited about your presentation. I’ve heard good things.”

“Oh, wow. Mrs. Tarses, let me say that it is an honor to be in the same room as you. Thank you so much for taking the time to hear my thoughts on the new fall line-up.”

“Of course. Please, go ahead.”

“Okay. First off I suggest we move Desperate Housewives to Wednesday, right up against Idol. It’s a tough market, but there’s definitely a spot for some heavyweight counterprogramming, and I think the ladies of Wisteria Lane are a perfect fit.”

“That’s an interesting idea. I think it could work.”

“Great. Next, I’m thinking we re-brand Dancing with the Stars as Beating the Shit Out of Pedestrians. It’ll keep many of the same features as the current Dancing, only now it’s about beating the shit out of pedestrians.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand.”

“Contestants get aluminum baseball bats and are unleashed on the streets of Los Angeles, viciously beating the shit out of pedestrians.”

“How do we determine a winner?”

“Blood spilled, bones broken, teeth lost. Anything, really. Have the stat department look into it.”

“That’s a terrible idea. We cannot allow our network to be affiliated with a program that endorses senseless violence and lawbreaking.”

“Seriously? Oh, then forget that one. I was just kidding. Here’s a fresh idea. In an effort to cut costs, let’s replace all of the cast members of Lost with specialty pizzas from Papa John’s. For instance, instead of being played by Matthew Fox, Jack Shephard will now be played by a large Tuscan Six-Cheese pizza.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. We’ll do that. We’ll replace the cast of Lost with pizzas.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.”

“I’m not.”

“Well okay, then.”

“All right.”

“Okay.”

“Yep.”

“Well…”

“There it is.”

“What?”

“All righty.”

“Hey…”

“Yeah?”

“Wait.”

“Okay.”

“So…”

“Pretty much.”

“Well, then…”

“Hey, want to go to Quizno’s?”

“Yeah, sure.”

While they drove to Quizno’s, deep underground a thousand ants looked at each other and thought the same thing: It’s cold, man. Real cold.