Tuesday, December 30, 2008

"Useful Techniques"

When did I know I was a ladies man? I think I was seven, maybe eight. I rode my bicycle up and down my street with a baseball card lodged in the spokes that made me sound like a real tough guy. The first time I rode past the Malley house, Mrs. Malley, Jim’s mom, called me inside and I railed her for twelve hours. That was the turning point.

Since then I’ve developed some techniques, some infallible ways I can get women to sleep with me, and I have decided to share them with you.

Method One: Tell your woman that you own a stable of mules in Peru. This, of course, is a lie. Then tell her that you have a sack of thirteen oranges in the trunk of your car. This is not a lie. Show her your oranges. The combination of these statements will cause the woman to sleep with you.

Method Two: Perform incredible acrobatic stunts for her at a fancy eatery. Book a reservation at her favorite place months in advance. Use the time between now and then to take up an internship at a local circus and learn several aerial maneuvers. Between the second and third courses of your meal, stand up from the table and announce to the restaurant, “Attention, everyone. I am about to blow my lady’s mind. And in return, hopefully she will blow me.” This last statement may seem a bit forward, perhaps in poor taste. But being a ladies man is about taking risks and occasionally offending an entire restaurant or even losing your job. Once you have announced your stunt, take a step back from the table and do a thrilling backflip or three-hundred and sixty degree spin. Upon landing, stare your lady dead in the eyes and whisper, “I am an astounding acrobat.” She will immediately bed you.

Method Three: Learn to speak with animals. This technique may take months, if not years, of training. But it will be worth it, for you will be rewarded with a glorious round of high-octane intercourse. I learned this skill by living in the Cambodian jungle for six years. A mountain man literally took me under his wing and taught me all there is to know about jungle life. How to murder trout, how to convert your own blood into gasoline, and how to speak with animals. Once you learn animal talk, make your way into your lady’s house. Approach her pet (it does not matter if it is a bird or a dog or a fish. All animals are eager to chat) and strike up a conversation in its native tongue. Ask it how its family is doing, what its favorite food is. When the lady says, “Why are you tweeting at my parakeet?” say, “Your parakeet just wanted you to know that it enjoys peaches.” The woman will then unquestionably nail you.

These are just a few of my pointers. If you would like more, ask any of the women in the states of Wisconsin, Michigan, or Connecticut. I have laid them all.

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