Sunday, September 7, 2008

How Not to Write a Research Paper, or A Bunch of Unedited Nonsense Written in Ten Minutes

Are Tomatoes Big, or Are They Small?

By Richie McAdoo!

Since tomatoes were invented in 1921 by German physicists Marco Rogers and Craig Biggio, people have been wondering, are tomatoes big or are they small? Sometimes people put them under microscopes, which indicates that they are small, but other people put them in front of telescopes, which means they're big. It's literally a question that has caused me to sit awake late at night, sweating and reading old issues of Everyday with Rachel Ray. Have you ever read that? It's okay.

So the question is about tomatoes. I think they're small, but I'm just a tire salesman. What do I know? Besides how to sell a tire, not much. So I looked in a magazine and saw that someone once said, "I think tomatoes are big," but in the next issue there was a little thing about that quote and it said it was a mistake, so I don't know what to think anymore (1).

Yesterday, I swear to god, a sausage came out of my computer's USB port.

I figured I'd have to take the research into my own hands. For six bucks I bought two pounds of tomatoes from the grocery store, but on the way to my car I thought I got ripped off, so I returned them. You know what the return policy is on tomatoes? As long as they look okay and you haven't eaten them, you can return them. I thought that was a pretty fair policy.

So, in conclusion, when it comes to the question Are Tomatoes Big, or Are They Small, my answer is, "I don't know."

1. Tomato-Based Chowders Weekly

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