Thursday, August 7, 2008

"An Unusual Diet"

“Thank you for keeping the food journal. You know, most clients don’t stick with it.”

“Oh, it was no problem. I really want to lose this weight.”

“Great. I want to help you lose the weight.”

“Thanks.”

“So let’s take a look at your eating habits. You started on Monday, right?”

“Correct.”

“Okay, so for breakfast you had an apple and some oatmeal. That’s great. And for lunch you had a salad with some chicken.”

“Yep. It really wasn’t so bad.”

“Good, good. Now you had a snack of carrots after lunch. You seem to have this diet thing down.”

“Thanks. You know, it’s really not as bad as people make it out to be.”

“Now here’s what concerns me. Your dinner on Monday.”

“What about it?”

“It says here that you ate two Puerto Rican men.”

“I had the dressing on the side.”

“That’s not the part I’m worried about. I’m more interested in the cannibalism.”

“It’s a family thing. It was my cousin’s graduation.”

“Okay. Let’s move on. It looks like your eating habits started slipping on Tuesday morning.”

“How so?”

“Instead of an apple and oatmeal it says here that you had a dozen Roman candles. I don’t think you should consume those.”

“I’m sorry. I caved into my craving. They were so delicious.”

“And for lunch you had a gross of bottle rockets and a mousetrap?”

“Yes.”

“What is that? A hundred and forty-four bottle rockets? And a mousetrap?”

“Right.”

“Did you light the bottle rockets?”

“I did.”

“How did it feel?”

“Explosive.”

“Why did you eat the mousetrap? Because there was peanut butter on it?”

“No, that’s ridiculous. I ate it to trap a mouse.”

“Had you eaten a mouse as well?”

“Not yet.”

“Are you going to eat a mouse?”

“As soon as I find a tasty one.”

“Okay, fine. And for lunch on Wednesday you’ve written that you ate a million tomatoes. That doesn’t even make sense. Why did you eat a million tomatoes?”

“They were on sale.”

“Get out of my office.”

1 comment:

rue said...

I laughed.

I actually do keep a food journal. On retrospect, it's pretty pathetic. At least I haven't regressed to weighing my portions on little food scales yet.