Sunday, August 3, 2008

"Always Check the Receipt"

“Excuse me, sir. Did you know that the highly anticipated release of the Chooper DVD is available in both regular and special editions?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to get the regular.”

“But did you know that the special edition includes a second bonus disc for only four dollars more?”

“I’m going to stick with the regular.”

“How bout this: I’ll throw in fifteen bags of popcorn with the special edition.”

“No, thanks.”

“Okie dokie. How do fifteen bags of popcorn and some sort of illegally imported marsupial sound?”

“Like a kangaroo?”

“Yeah.”

“You know, I think I’ll just get the regular edition.”

“Wait just one second, mister. How about fifteen bags of popcorn, one illegal marsupial, and a gallon of Pete Rose’s blood?”

“It’s tempting, but I came here for the regular edition and I’m just going to stick to the plan.”

“Alright, here it comes, the final offer: Fifteen bags of popcorn, one smothered kangaroo, one gallon of the finest Pete Rose blood, a jumbo jet, and an army of Puerto Rican jugglers to entertain you at all times. All for just four dollars more than the regular edition.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I’m going to have to pass.”

“Okay, sir. You win. But just out of curiosity may I ask why you turned down that astounding offer?”

“It’s because of your penis. I didn’t want to mention it, but your entire penis has been hanging through your zipper the whole time you’ve been talking to me. It’s offensive. Had it just been the scrotum I would have considered the special edition. But the fact that I saw your penis made me think, ‘This is not a person I should be dealing with. I do not want to purchase something from him.’ My recommendation to you, from one human being to another, is to put your penis back inside your pants. You will be a more successful salesman that way.”

Doug purchased his regular edition of the movie and walked out of the store. He looked at his receipt and noticed that the store was called TJ’s Wholesale, the Only Store in the County Whose Employees Must Hang Their Penises Out of their Pants At All Times!

Then Doug felt like the idiot.

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