Tuesday, July 1, 2008

This recently discovered letter is most likely the direct inspiration for Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation.

Dear Abe,

Long time listener, first time writer. Anyways, I’ve got some stuff I want to get off my chest. So here’s the deal, Abe: This whole slavery thing is a big downer. Seriously, ask any slave and they’re pretty bummed out about it. I don’t know if you’ve ever been down south and seen it, but jees, I mean, this is some heavy stuff. I did a quick poll and it seems like 100% of blacks are pretty against it. Just thought I’d let you know.

-Ted Phillips

Dear Ted,

Holy crap, seriously? I mean I had thought it probably wasn’t a good idea, but woah, I didn’t know it was such a big deal. Lately I’ve just been hanging out. You know, wrestling Hannibal Hamlin in the nude and insulting my wife Mary Todd. So, yeah, I mean I’ll get on that slavery stuff. I just didn’t know it was such a big deal. I thought it was just a hobby or something.

-“Honest” Abraham “Wet Fingers” Lincoln

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