Sunday, June 15, 2008

This is a story that shows jokes don't always work out in real life like they do in chain emails.

For Phil’s fiftieth birthday his wife of thirty years, Jill, threw him a surprise party. Phil loved Jill dearly, even though he had never seen her. Phil was blind but it never seemed to get in the way of his life. In fact, he was always on the lookout for the perfect moment to make a joke about his disability. Jill booked a reservation at Bert’s, Phil’s favorite restaurant, and invited all of his friends and family. They were having a great time laughing, sharing stories, and enjoying each other’s company.

Their waitress came to the table to take down everyone’s orders. Phil’s friend Bill, who was also blind, got a hamburger and water. Teresa, Phil's sister, got a house salad and iced tea. Finally the waitress asked for Phil’s order.

“I’ll have the porterhouse steak and a Coke,” he said.

“Regular or diet?”

Phil knew this was his moment. He had been waiting for an opportunity like this for years.

“What’s the difference?” he said. “It’s not like I can watch my calorie intake.”

Immediately a man across the restaurant went into cardiac arrest because Phil’s joke was so hilarious.

Phil could hear people screaming. “Help him! Is there a doctor here?”

Jill choked on her spinach dip appetizer as soon as Phil said his line. Phil heard her gasping for breath.

“What’s happening?” he said.

Teresa couldn’t breathe. She had never heard something so hilarious in her life. She fell on the floor and passed out.

Phil heard a series of thuds as diners all over the restaurant fell down. People were moaning, panting, and begging for life.

“Why did you say that?” gurggled Bill. After he heard the line he laughed so hard six of his teeth fell out and he was rapidly losing blood out of his mouth.

Soon everyone in the restaurant was on the floor. Phil didn’t know what to do. All he could hear were the blaring sirens of an ambulance. “I didn’t mean for it to happen like this,” he said.

An EMT rushed to Phil’s side.

“Sir, you are the only one left. Can you tell me what happened?”

“I…I don’t know,” said Phil. He considered his next line carefully. He had just witnessed the terrible power of his joke, but he was hungry to tell more. “I swear I didn’t see anything.”


“I’m blind.”

“Oh. Oh!”

The EMT exploded. He had never before heard anything so hilarious.

Phil killed the next four EMTs, three police officers, and two firemen who came to his aid. He was sentenced to lockdown at a federal prison.

A reporter asked him if he had any regrets about his jokes.

“Well you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. Or in my case, 0/0.”

The reporter laughed so hard she was transported to the sixth dimension.

Phil was sentenced to the electric chair. He narrowly escaped after killing everyone in the room with the line, “I’ll see you in Hell! Actually, I’ll just hear you.”

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