Monday, June 23, 2008

“Don’t get mad at you? How could I not? I’m furious, Margaret! Do you realize how this makes me look?”

“John, look, I said I’m sorry. What more do you want? I can’t erase the past.”

“So why did you do it in the first place? This is embarrassing! Don’t you know what this’ll do to my career? Everyone in town saw you in those pictures in the paper!”

“It’ll blow over. Just give it time. Please, John.”

“Time? I don’t have time! The harvest season is almost over! Who’s going to buy my vegetables at the market after they’ve seen my wife with a couple of fruits?”

“Please, John. Everyone will still buy your vegetables. I’m just friends with that apple. It wasn’t anything serious. I didn’t even juice him.”

“Juice him? I hadn’t even thought about that! I don’t care if you’re just friends; it’s disgusting to see you hanging around a bunch of repugnant Seeders! And how do you explain the pear?”

“He’s the apple’s friend. Seriously, John, this is not a big deal. I was merely dining with two acquaintances.”

“But the pictures, Margaret! Everyone in the county will see the headlines: Farmer’s Wife Befriends Fruits. Why couldn’t you have just gone with a cucumber or carrot like you usually do?”

“John, I’m telling you it was nothing serious. I declined when the pear proposed a skinning session. I told them I only peel vegetables.”

“You did?”

“Yes, John. I can be friends with the fruits but I’d never do anything to deliberately hurt your reputation. You’re the best vegetable farmer in the area and I don’t want to ruin that just for a peek at a fruit’s seeds. My heart lies in the vegetable section.”

“You mean that?”

“Of course.”

“I love you, Margaret. But please assure me I won’t see any more photographs of you with fruits in the paper.”

“Yes, John. I—“

“What’s that in your pocket, Margaret?”

“Oh, it’s a…”

“A what? A gift for me? Let me see it.”

“No, don’t. I can explain.”

“Are those leaves? Is that…? Dear God, Margaret! Have you brought a strawberry into my household?”

“He’s new to town. I was just showing—“

“I don’t care! You have committed a cardinal sin of vegetable growing! Take that filth off of this property and never return! You, too, Margaret! If I wanted a flip-flopper for a wife I would have purchased one at the shoe store! If you ever choose to return you better be seed-free, Margaret! I swear if I find one seed on you it’s to the courthouse we’ll go for a divorce! I cannot stand even the smell of those fruits! Their taste is so tart and…fresh and delicious on a summer afternoon. They are so refreshing and…Oh no. What have I done? Margaret! Come back Margaret! I have realized the error of my ways! You can return, and bring as much fruit as you’d like!”

It was too late. By the time John finished talking Margaret was married to the apple and had traded in her vegetable scrubber for a fruit peeler. When John found her a week later, she was in the middle of her honeymoon. John opened the door to find Margaret with the apple’s seeds in her mouth. They would never reconcile.

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