Saturday, June 28, 2008

Do you ever doubt your entire existence? Wonder, Why am I on the earth? What is my purpose? I used to be like that. I was stuck in a rut; I just couldn’t figure out what I was meant to do. But it all changed when I tasted a regular sized Five Meat Stack sub sandwich with no mustard or mayonnaise from Quizno’s. As soon as that first bite fell into my warm, welcoming belly, I knew that my life was forever changed. From the salami to the pepperonis, to the cheddar cheese and that spice crap they sprinkle on top, it is a very good sandwich. When I finished my first sandwich I immediately purchased another. I finished that and purchased one more. “You know you could have just bought one footlong and saved, like, four bucks,” said the cashier. I didn’t care. The sandwich was so delicious I immediately called my boss to quit my job so I would have more time to devote to Quizno’s Five Meat Stacks. It is my purpose; my divine calling. I was put on this earth to consume the turkey, ham, salami, capicola, and pepperoni that constitute a Quizno’s Five Meat Stack. I have no idea what capicola is, but it’s on the sandwich, so I’ll eat it. After quitting my job my daily schedule sets aside the hours from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. for eating Quizno’s Five Meat Stacks. Six days into my new life I ran out of money and had to sell my house in order to continue eating Five Meat Stacks. I was happy to do it. I sold the house for eight dollars because at the time I was eager for two Five Meat Stacks. Currently I wander the streets, constantly thinking about Quizno’s Five Meat Stacks. I was put on this earth to consume them and I pledge to do so. I just can’t believe how they manage to make a vegetarian sandwich so delicious. As a lifetime vegetarian I have suffered when my friends ate with me and enjoyed food containing meat while I had a salad. Quizno’s has performed a miracle in making a vegetarian sandwich so great. The Five Meat Stack is…Wait…Oh no. No, no, no. This…Oh my God. Is this…Could I have…I am just now realizing that the five meats referenced in the title of the sandwich likely refer to animal meats. I don’t know what I thought before. I must have assumed they were vegetable meats. This is a disaster. My consumption of Quizno’s Five Meat Stacks probably resulted in the deaths of thousands of animals. I don’t know how I’ll live with myself. The only thing that can lift my spirits is a Quizno’s Five Meat Stack. Man, that is one tasty sandwich.

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