Thursday, June 19, 2008

Chapter Three.

“It smells like a horse’s anus in here,” said Cornelius Penis.

“Well take yo’ head outta the anus!”

Louise was driving the horse-car as fast as its heart-engine could go. They were headed to Street Walker’s Alley, her favorite part of town, to look for information on her lost Dragon Sword.

“I hate to say it, Louise,” said Cornelius, “but this part of town looks downright disgusting!”

“Oh don’t you worry one bit. This is my homeland. I know everyone on the block. You got Scumbag Larry, Good-For-Nothin’ Nate, and Peachy Peachy Pete all right next to each other. Oh, hey, look there! There’s B Doz!”

Cornelius looked out of the horse-car’s side to see a dirty homeless man huddled under a bridge.

Louise called to him, “Hey B Doz!”

“Yes?” he mumbled.

“Whatchu doin’?”

“I’m eatin’ a shoe!”

“Aight, aight. Know anything ‘bout my Dragon Sword?”

“No, but I do have some advice.” B Doz was known for his excellent street knowledge. “While Fritos and Doritos are just chips, they can destroy people at the hips.”

B Doz was also known for his incredible rhyming riddles.

No one in the horse-car could figure out what he meant so they nodded and moved on.

“Miss Louise, may I ask why you call him B Doz?”

“Oh yeah, it’s like a baker’s dozen, you know? Thirteen? He gots thirteen testicles.”


“Yeah. You ever seen a sack of marbles? Thirteen marbles? That’s what he’s got. A big bag. Two weren't enough. Had to have more. Can't get enough testicles, you know?”

“How delightful,” said Cornelius with an uneasy adjustment of his top hat.

Louise continued driving in search of anyone who could possibly have any information on her Sword. She looked down alleys, in stores, and in the tomato sauce at a pizza parlor, but couldn’t find anything useful. Finally she, Rhonda, and Cornelius stopped to eat at a Chinese restaurant known for their spaghetti because it was a really confusing restaurant. It was called Mama Mia’s Pizzeria, Pasteria, and Diarrhea. The third part wasn’t necessary at all, the owners just thought it was kind of funny even though it was likely the reason no one ate there.

Louise, Rhonda, and Cornelius ordered some spaghetti and were surprised when it was delivered and instead of a plate of spaghetti it was a plate of a letter saying “Sorry, suckers!”

The doors and windows were instantly locked. Several strongmen appeared from basement doors wielding lead pipes, brass pipes, and pipe cleaners for when the pipes got dirty from beating people.

“What on earth is going on here?” said Cornelius.

“Aw no,” said Louise, “this is the dirtiest gang in town. They mean business. They’re all…”

Three conjoined twins stepped forward. Well three sets, so there were six twins.

“Siamese?” finished Cornelius.

“No,” said Louise. “Only one is Siamese. DongSong. He’s the one connected by the fingertips.”

Cornelius saw him, or them, or it. The twins were connected at all ten fingertips. They couldn’t write or drive or eat without assistance, but they could sift dirt for gold. DongSong ran at Louise, screaming as if they had seen a ghastly image of a haunted baseball card. Louise leapt in the air and drop-kicked them in the faces. They were instantly killed.

“Why are these conjoined conundrums after you?” said Cornelius.

“The lass time I was in here I didn’t leave a tip.”

“They want to kill us for that?”

“And I stole all the silverware, tablecloths, and meatballs.”

The next set of twins, called Mikhail and Gorbachev, ran at Cornelius with a knife.

“They connected at the heart!” said Louise.

Cornelius showed them a picture he kept in his pocket of a puppy so cute it could explode hearts. Which is exactly what it did. As soon as the twins saw it their conjoined heart blew up and a horrifying hail of blood sprayed the room.

The third set of twins were called Up and Over and were connected at the head, one on top of the other. While one stood the other was balancing delicately upside-down. They charged for Rhonda, leaping and flipping so the other took a step before flipping again while shouting “Up!” and “Over!”

“Rhonda, use yo’ smarts!” said Louise.

“Right.” She looked around the room for supplies. There was mozzarella cheese, pizza dough, sauce, and pepperonis. “I read about making a bomb out of this stuff! I just need some time!”

She hurried to combine the items in the way she had read about. Louise and Cornelius distracted Up and Over with a quick poetry contest.

“I’m done!” said Rhonda. She presented her bomb to everyone, which turned out to be a pizza. Up and Over beat her to a pulp with a table and then ate her pizza.

Louise and Cornelius knocked the twins over and each took one of the twin’s legs and pulled them apart, spraying brains everywhere.

“Wow,” said Cornelius, “talk about a mind-splitting concept!”

Louise didn’t get it so she didn’t say anything. She and Cornelius thought they were done with the gang and accepted Rhonda’s death. Maybe she wasn’t as smart as Louise thought she was. Just when they were about to leave the baddest, meanest conjoined twins of all entered. There were six twins all conjoined at the sides to form a circle. How they fit through the door is still unknown.

Their names were Cindy, Jan, Marcia, Bobby, Peter, and Robicheux. When they spoke each person would say the next word in a sentence, which tended to bore and alienate potential listeners.

“We are here to kill you!” they said after leaping in the air high enough to land and surround Louise and Cornelius.

What would Louise and Cornelius do? What could they do? All Louise could see were bags of Doritos and Fritos. Wait, thought Louise, What did B Doz say?

“Of course,” said Cornelius. “Doritos and Fritos!”

They knew what to do. Louise ran in one direction with the Doritos while Cornelius ran in the opposite with the Fritos. Cindy, Jan, and Marcia preferred Doritos and chased Louise while Bobby, Peter, and Robicheux favored the Fritos and ran towards Cornelius.

With a disgusting RRRRIP! they all split apart. It was the most horrifically disgusting thing Cornelius or Louise had ever seen, which was saying a lot considering Louise was a horrifically disgusting prostitute.

All of the gang’s strongmen ran away. Louise and Cornelius left the restaurant after Louise stole all the silverware, tablecloths, meatballs, and breadsticks.

“These breadsticks tasty,” she said.

“Ah, yes! The tastiest! Especially after killing a few conjoined twins!”

Cornelius Penis was a strange man.

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