Friday, May 30, 2008

Listen up, because I’m the richest man in the world, you know? This one time I had to stop to eat breakfast at this cheap little restaurant and this waitress, what a character she was, asks me what I want to drink and I say, “What’s the most expensive liquid you’ve got?” and she says, “Well we have gasoline here,” so I say, “Give me a gallon of diesel.” It was cold in that dump so I ask my assistant, my main man Carlito, “Hey Carlito, get me my fur coat,” and he says, “Which one?” and I say, “The warmest one,” and he says, “But they’re all so warm, sir,” and I say, “Give me the one lined with Marie Antoinette’s pubic hair,” and he did and boy oh boy was that thing nice. So the waitress comes back to the table with my gallon of diesel and says, “What do you want to eat?” and I say, “I want some eggs,” and she says, “What kind?” and I say, “Give me a god damn Faberge.” She tells me they only got Grade A Jumbos and Carlito tells me my jet is all fueled up so I told the waitress I had business to attend to and got my diesel in one of those to-go thermoses and left a T206 Honus Wagner card as a tip and busted outta that place. So get this while we were all on my jet Carlito leans over to me and says, “Sir, do you know how much money you have?” and I say, “An absolute shit load of money,” and he says, “No, sir, you should check the accounts. You’re bankrupt,” so I tell him, “Why don’t you buy me some more money?” and he says, “Sir, you can’t do that,” and that’s why I work at Applebee’s.

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