Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Here's a letter I found in the school cafeteria on the last day of school. I don't know if it ever reached the intended recipients.

Dear Lunch Table Behind Me,

Your antics have gotten, I’m sorry to say, old. You are noisy and boisterous and you interrupt my dining experience daily. It seems that each time I try to take a bite of my tuna sandwich I am hit with a projectile that was launched from your table. I do not enjoy being the one who ruins your fun, but I feel as though I must put my foot down. The time you mixed together the table’s beverages and added a handful of bees before serving it to that unsuspecting young boy was more disgusting than humorous. When you had the battery eating contest I spent the entire lunch period shaking, worried to death that one of you would be killed. I could hardly begin to eat my egg salad. Each time I try to begin a homework assignment during a brief period of quiet you launch some sort of raccoon at my face. How odd it was to explain to Mrs. Thomas that I could not complete her assignment because the students seated behind me were tickling my neck with a very long peacock feather. And for the love of God, I urge you, please stop aborting babies. The last abortion resulted in a great stain on my fabulous new blouse. Last week I tried to begin a conversation with my best friend Margaret about fabric patterns but she could not hear a word I said due to the noise from your abortion.

I wish you the best and hope that we can one day dine in peace.

With respect,

Ruth Henderson

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